FIFA Banned for Biting Brazil

27 06 2014

FIFA HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM FOOTBALL FOR BITING. In a shocking turn of events in the Luis Suarez saga, FIFA have been banned for allegedly biting developing economy Brazil on the shoulder, a bite deep enough to leave a clear teethmarks. Brazil claim that this was an unprovoked attack that took place whilst everyone else was simply trying to enjoy the game of football.

In a statement following the bite, Brazil said:

All we wanted to do was host the World Cup in our wonderful country. Instead, FIFA forced us to build stadiums in cities without football clubs, to change the law regarding alcohol in stadiums in order to keep their sponsors happy, to bulldoze the homes of the poorest people, and forced labourers to work in unacceptable conditions to build to their excessive requirements.

Worst of all, they made it a condition of hosting the World Cup that they pay no income tax on their immense profits, so that Brazil suffers only costs, not benefit. FIFA have taken a massive bite out of the economy of this country, and we think they should be severely punished for this unprovoked attack.

People hold placards with the names of victims of violence during a protest against the World Cup and military police at the Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro, June 23, 2014. CREDIT: REUTERS/PILAR OLIVARES

In response to these allegations, FIFA at first tried to cover the Brazilian shoulder bearing the teethmarks of their economic and commercial dictatorship. However, TV cameras from around the world could see the effects, despite FIFA’s best efforts to keep the protest marches and demonstrations secret. This attack repeats that seen in 2010 when FIFA took a bite out of South Africa, which means this cannot be seen as an isolated incident. As a result of this, FIFA have been banned from football, and are not even allowed in stadiums. 

The future is not bleak for FIFA though. Because of FIFA’s immense skill, and the commercial benefits of being associated with them, they will not be out of the game for long. There are rumours that FIFA are being courted overseas, by people willing to pay huge sums to have them in their team. In a bizarre turn of events, it is alleged that Qatar, a strict Islamic state with no footballing infrastructure, no alcohol, and religious rules that requires shoulders to be covered, have already bared their naked shoulder towards FIFA and invited a bite. The saga will no doubt continue.  

Anti-Fifa protesters in the Copacabana at start of the World Cup. Photograph: Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Yes, this article is a spoof. But I hope it makes the point. 





2 responses

27 06 2014

And the IOC should be cast out with them!

29 06 2014

He who sups with the devil should use a long spoon! If you bring large sums of money into sport then you are moving very close to a point where it is no longer sport, for the players or those making profits. So formula one sells its sould to make the races look and soundmore exciting, FIFA executives want their large share of filthy lucre and playhers are only interested in their image rights and not the thrill and glory of playing for their country.

We have let the genie out of the bottle and we can’t put her back in. There isn’t a way back to shamateurism and I am not sure that there should be, Sport has become like the Pharmaceutical Industry, the Payday Loan industry and the tobacco industry to name a few. Paroahs, but unfortunately rich ones. Where do we go fro here?

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