purple wind

22 05 2012

So there I was sitting with a sore bum during choral evensong
Wondering why anyone except the choir was meant come along

Then I  shifted uncomfortably in my ancient wooden pew
As a certain desire within me for something disastrous grew and grew 

Moving alternately from numbing cheek to numbing cheek
I managed to manipulate the impending thunder to a tiny wooden creak

Luckily no-one knew the perpetrator of this ecclesiastical guff
Some people shifted near to me and that was cause enough

To be grateful that though fragrant there’s no substance to these events 
That by themselves can justify the use of copious incense  

So there I was looking around at the sea of respectable heads
With hats and balding flats and pensioners in their finest threads

And I wondered how many had been through the same as me
Lost focus on the preacher as they looked around nervously

Has anyone else identified the culprit to my concentrating face
Surely no-one can trace the fragrance – in all the church – to this respectable place 

what if flatulence had iridescence then we wouldn’t need to be Miss Marple
to plainly see who’d done the deed: what if farts were purple? 

There in my mind I imagined the puff of rising purple indicators  
Identifying – despite the suits and robes – the naughty flatulators 

And so the rest of the service passed quickly not feeling such a slog
Though I promise such thoughts are secret and won’t make it to the blog.





7 responses

22 05 2012

Ha! thanks for this – what a delightful read! Just exactly what was needed, diverted as I am from writing my essay on theistic evolution!!!

23 05 2012

Glad to be of service!

22 05 2012

LOL – Kevin should drink more often

23 05 2012

No one will be overly shocked to learn that the clergy are farting about in church, surely?

23 05 2012

This comment nearly didn’t pass my extensive moderation process…!

3 02 2013
Dorothy Dingle


3 02 2013
Dorothy Dingle

I suspect, Kevin, you’re in a minority of none with this experience! 😀

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