the b word

8 11 2011

When you ask a vicar how they are, chances are they will reply ‘busy’. I have always tried to avoid answering this question with that word, either by cocking my head to one side and earnestly saying “it’s not about me; how are you?”, by playing to the (always hilarious) joke that I only work one day a week and saying “pretty free til next Sunday actually, it’s an easy life this one”, or by saying “crap actually, can we talk about it” simply because it is a hobby of mine to create awkward silences and hold them for as long as possible. Usually we call it prayer.

However at this time I am actually very busy, what with my co-vicar being on maternity leave and 20,000 hungry parishioners (as opposed to Parisiens) needing souls cured, booklets photocopied and the heating switched on and off according to the whims of Mother Nature. So, because despite my magical (sorry, miraculous) powers I cannot squeeze any more time out of the day, and because I will not sacrifice my family or my sanity on the altar of ‘doing everything’, I have decided there must be cuts.

So here are 7 things I will no longer be doing:

  1. I will no longer read commentaries whilst preparing sermons. Live text on BBC Sport is finally to be considered a distraction and I will switch it off.
  2. Updating my Facebook status will no longer be considered a spiritual discipline. If God wants to know what I am up to, he can email me, which I will leave marked as unread until I have time to respond.
  3. I will no longer keep my office tidy. Jesus came into a messy world to redeem it, so I will wait for him to do the same to my office.
  4. Whilst I can see the benefit of reading the Bible, there is never anything new in it and it is awfully long. I will stick to whatever Scriptures I can find on bookmarks, posters and other people’s Facebook pages, as they are presumably the most important ones.
  5. I shall no longer prepare services. It seems a lot of work to do essentially the same thing every week. Following the example of the X-Factor and Strictly, we will use the same script every week, manipulate the odd drama and throw someone out according to votes cast in the offering bags.
  6. Instead of feeling guilty about not having planned things that are coming up (like Christmas, or tomorrow’s assembly), I will make it a deliberate policy not to plan anything until the day on which it happens. After all, it’s God’s reputation on the line so it’s up to him to step in with last-minute inspiration, and he ought to be able to operate the photocopier by now.
  7. We will no longer hire out the church hall in an organized way, but simply leave it open as a ‘community space’. This way we don’t have to worry about keys or rent, we just let the Big Society sort it out for themselves. This is called empowering the community. In fact, we will no longer lock away the church tea and coffee. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

With these changes in place, I am hoping that I will no longer find myself scrabbling for euphemisms for the b word, and will be able once again to the play on the Playstation during the day. Sorry, pray station.

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7 responses

8 11 2011
minidvr

Wow, simply the things that bind us up and get us down, and I’m not clergy.

Sounds like a recipe for organised chaos, as most of us live our lives.

9 11 2011
Simon Gates

Quite right Kev! I think you have enough spiritual material in your downstairs loo to keep you going (see 4), and I have always thought empty desk = empty mind!

Have you thought about sermon roulette? You pick one of your previous ones and randomly preach whatever comes to hand, I doubt the ordinary punter will notice, just don’t preach a funeral sermon on Christmas day!

9 11 2011
Kevin

I like the idea of sermon roulette! Perhaps involving some kind of forfeit for the congregation (apart from hearing a sermon), like pushing someone unexpectedly into the baptistery (like I saw happen at your church once…)

10 11 2011
wonderingsoul

I can only say
LMAO
– a horribly ‘computer geek / teen sado’ type of acronym that I use with so much reluctance that I am tempted to delete this comment and start again…

… but I won ‘t….

In this day and age, cuts seem to be an necessary evil in every area so I applaud your decisions.

I recommend that you stop writing any material for sermons and instead either go all charismatic and let the Holy Spirit work amongst the people (naughty tongue in naughty cheek) or download and mime to the HTB Sunday sermon.
Life can be so easy.

10 11 2011
Edge

I hadn’t realised you worked one day a week.
Wouldn’t you go to church on Sunday anyway?
I don’t think you can count that as working.
Or have I missed something?

10 11 2011
Kevin

I won’t tell you how long my finger hovered over the “unapprove comment” button. Probably long enough to have got something useful done.

6 03 2013
Karen

I can’t tell you how much I love this post (and even all the comments following it!) This has made my day.

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