wonky donkey

1 04 2011

look who's talking

There was a man riding on a donkey to a certain place. I say a man, more of an ogre, I think. He was certainly large, and green, and was constantly plucking the wax from his ears. So I think this fits the description of cartoon ogre. We’ll call him Sherk. That was, after all, the name on his ill-fitting waistcoat.

So he there was riding, and all of a sudden, the donkey veered suddenly to the left off the road and into a field. Sherk, who was not paying attention because he was singing ‘one man went to mow’ and dreaming of gingerbread men fell off the donkey. He cursed the donkey. He beat the donkey with a large stick to get it back on the road. Donkey, unusually, stayed quiet. He had, after all, just seen something quite frightening.

They continued on their journey, and were walking a narrow path between two walled vineyards. The donkey once again saw something and just stopped. He then tried to turn around. In doing so, he crushed Sherk’s foot against the wall.Sherk was not pleased.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Sherk, angrily. He beat the donkey, and they carried on their way. Donkey, unusually stayed quiet. He has, after all, just seen something quite frightening.

They carried along their way, Sherk no longer mowing meadows in his mind and donkey feeling the weight of his ogred burden. As they were edging slowly around a narrow ledge on the hillside, with no room to turn left or right, donkey dropped. He just, sat. Sherk was so angry that he beat donkey once more.

pardon?

“AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!” yelled Sherk.

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!” yelled the donkey.

Sherk looked confused. The donkey was usually silent, with the occasional braying. That was not a bray.

“AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!” yelled Shrek again, a little more tentatively.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!” yelled the donkey, louder.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!” yelled Sherk, now in genuine terror.

“Cut it out”, said Donkey. “What have I done that you are beating me so, you horrid and violent ogre? People think ogres are so cute and lovely ever since that silly film about your cousin. You are certainly not.”

Sherk was dumbstruck. Not only an obstinate donkey, but a talking donkey? Maybe his cousin had been right all along. He must email him to say sorry for accusing him of making the whole thing up. Then he remembered he was angry.

“You have made a fool of me with all this stopping!”, he shouted at the donkey. “I keep falling off and people will think I am clumsy! Ogres are not all clumsy! If I had my sword I would kill you now!”

Donkey sighed. Ogres were so touchy, so worried about their cartoon image. “Am I not your faithful servant. Do I usually behave like this?” he asked.

“Yes you are, no you don’t.” replied Sherk, confused. “What’s your point? Don‘t tell me, you’re distracted because you are about to make weird hybrid donkey babies with a pink dragon?”

he called me a noble steed!

“No,” donkey replied, though he did fondly remember a brief liaison with a lovely looking dragon. But babies? No, that would be wrong.

At this point the angel of the Lord opened Balaam’s Sherk’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord, standing with his sword drawn.

The angel said to Sherk, “Why have you beaten your noble steed 3 times? He has saved your life! You are going against my will and it is only this talking donkey that has saved you.”

The angel left them, amused at the things Yahweh sometimes sent him to do. And thinking, wow, when Christians read this story in a few thousand years time they are gonna think it’s some kind of April Fool.

And so the angel put on his red hood, climbed into bed, and carried on with his knitting.

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4 responses

1 04 2011
John Hamilton

Brilliant, Kevin! Love it and have re-blogged it… hope you don’t mind. John

1 04 2011
Kevin

I don’t mind at all – glad you liked it! Kevin

1 04 2011
An Old Testament take on April Fools « John 20:21

[…] just can’t resist re-blogging Wonky Donkey by Kevin! Look who's […]

2 04 2011
fran

loon.

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