It is reported that rebellious rabbi Jesus Davidson, not content with his alleged messiah complex, has taken to quoting 90’s baggy-trousered pin-up rapper MC Hammer. Davidson, 32, quoted Hammer’s hit Have You Seen Her during a tense encounter at the filming of Come Dine With Me at Pharisaical sloane ranger Simon Pieman’s house. Fond of quoting more old-skool musicians like Eye-Sire and DJ ‘Dayvid’ King, does this mark a change of tactic for the silver-tongued soothsayer from Nazareth? Apparently not – Jesus himself claims he was quoting the original from 1960’s soul-funk groovers The Chi-Lites. Well he would.
Reported first in best-seller biography Luke 7.36-50, Jesus was in the middle of the meal when the Pharisee’s house was crashed by a woman better known as a serial celebrity late-night love-in than rabbi-rouser. Dramatically, rather than wooing him the woman wept at his feet – his feet! – and wiped them with her hair. Shocked, Simon waited for the J-man to flip; then for him to notice; then wondered how Jesus did not know who she was. Wondered in his own head – and Jesus knew! Exorcist, lyricist – and mind reader it appears.
With Simon about to throw her out, Jesus dramatically turned the tables on him. He drew on the riches of years of poetic and cultural history and slam-dunked Simon with rapper Hammers immortal line: Have You Seen Her? Come Dine With Me became Come Hide With Me as Jesus shamed Simon. This woman, Jesus said,
who you usually would not see. She is peripheral to you. You wouldn’t normally see her at all. I came to your house. You did not give me water for my feet; she has wept my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not greet me on the face with a kiss; she has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put fragrant oil on my head; she has poured perfume on my feet. She has shown me great love. She has shown me hospitality that you have not – in your own house. You invited me. She has humbled herself; you have raised yourself up. She is invisible to you, but I have seen her and now you have seen her and she has shamed you.
Have you seen her? Jesus saw her, he welcomed her. He said that she has shown so much love, and Simon had not. That was an even greater shock than quoting MC Hammer. Or the Chi-Lites. Come Dine With Me has never ended so badly. Simon left, embarrassed and humiliated by his pride. The woman left, forgiven, renewed and peaceful.
Jesus left, saying something about being the Chi-Lite of the world…
To be fair, he never said, if I had a hammer…